Thursday, November 08, 2018

Fast completed

I was able to complete my 7 day fast yesterday. Definitely would do it again if I had time to just lounge around because my energy levels were pretty low the whole time. I broke my fast with watermelon. It took me 20 mins to eat a cup. Soo weird. Today I had about a cup and a half and 2 pieces of candy. Got to work on eating again really slow, like introducing food to a baby. Salads are set for next week.

Right now I'm 22 pounds down from prefast weight. Some of it will come back as my system returns back to normal. It is all good. This was more than a physical reset for me.

Have not logged into fb since Halloween. I'm proud of myself for disconnecting, if only for a little while.

I have a canker sore and while it sucks, it does help me from overfeeding myself.

Currently have a mild obsession with mukbang videos where people film themselves eating. Weird, but true. It's like I am enjoying it with them, but they get all the calories, grease and whatever else.

I brought an ice cream maker and the kid and I look forward to making some non dairy yumminess.

This blogging from my phone sucks. Just wanted to put this randomness out there :)

Monday, November 05, 2018

So, I started a fast....

I haven't posted since April. I got stuff on my brain and I figured this would be a good way to get it out of my brain. My friends don't want to hear about what I am putting myself through, so blogging is perfect.

A lot of things have happened since April. The big things include Pooka starting a dual enrollment program with the local community college as she takes half a day of senior classes in high school. It is kinda crazy that I remember blogging about what happened at her daycare. Now she is a senior in high school. She is a great kid and she is doing well for the most part. I am blessed.

My mother still lives with me and lately she has been rubbing me the wrong way. Not that she has done anything in particular. It is just that she is ALWAYS here. I will never really have a chance to enjoy my space completely alone. I try not to complain because my mother is in the same boat. Due to her illness, she will never know what it is like to live alone. I try to keep things in perspective, but it is hard sometimes.

As for me, I work at the same spot. I don't have a million jobs. Just a main one and a PRN one that I don't go to often. I will work there the weekend after Thanksgiving after not helping out there since July. Sorta thought about getting a non medical related gig, but that thought comes and goes.

I brought a house. It is great. My family and I love it. There are things that need to be done and I am dealing with those things. I can't wait to start my warm weather garden in a few months. I tried to purchase the home that I was renting and had started the process of making that happen after the owner said he would sell it to me...then he changed his mind. I had all my ducks in a row when he changed his mind so...I brought a house, just not his, LOL!

Recently I have been feeling all around like crap. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you name it. So as I was scrolling fb a high school friend of mine posted a lot about her fasting. I haven't fasted since my hard core Christian days, but it seemed like that right thing to do. So I have been on a water fast for 5 days. I also haven't had any alcohol, watched any adult movies, self loved, loved on someone else, or logged onto fb since Halloween. My current plan is to water fast for 7 days, juice fast for 7 days (start refeeding super slow), smoothie/soft foods for 4 days then add salads to that for the last 3 days...then bum bum bum bummmmmm Thanksgiving!!!! It is down in the country again this year and I plan to enjoy the country food. I am hoping my detoxed system will be able to handle it. I may do a 24 hour water fast on black Friday just to give my system a chance to figure out what it's going to do with the country food.

I haven't really figured out what type of healthier way of eating I will follow. There are sooo many options: Mediterranean, Paleo, Keto, etc... I think I will go back to what I was doing when I lost all that weight a couple years ago. Mostly plant based diet with no restrictions. I know it works for me. This fast is only partially about weight loss. This fast is more than that to me and the more I research it the more I learn of the benefits doing this would potentially bring.

As far as my weight goes. On Halloween I was 355. In July of 2016 I had got down to 316 then got back up to I want to say 385 in 2017, then been toggling between the 330s and 360s for the last year.
Five days into my water fast I weighed in at 338. Which is cool, but I know once my digestive system kicks back in and everything is functioning, the numbers will go up some. But that is where the healthy lifestyle comes in. I haven't gone this far to fill my body back up with mostly junk!

I kinda wish I started blogging about this on Nov. 1st. but I didn't think about it. Let me try to remember what I've been dealing with so far... that I can remember...

Day 1 was okay, went to tae kwon do class and everything was peachy
Day 2 was okay
Day 3 I felt like I hit a wall, I learned that my body was transitioning into ketosis, where the body starts using it's own fats for energy.
Day 4/yesterday I could barely move. I stayed in bed most of the day. Just to walk to the bathroom and back made my heart jump out my chest, get sweaty and felt like I ran a marathon. It took all I had in me to braid Pookas hair. My left lower back hurt a little too. Forums taught me that was a normal part of the process. TMI, but I also had my first bowel movement yesterday and it was interesting to say the least, LOL. Around 9pm yesterday I felt a burst of energy and I couldn't sleep, so I managed to sanitize my tub and take a bath. I felt super good!
Day 5/today I woke up still feeling great! I got up, did my morning routine and thought everything was going to be great at work! Wrong! My endurance still sucks and by 2pm I had hit the wall again. All I wanted to do was lie down. My brain was with getting the work done, but my body was struggling! Right now I am a little better, but I am most likely going to bed after I post this. Izza tied! I definitely will do a water fast again, but maybe for a day or 2. Long term water fasting is not for people who have active jobs. If I still worked a desk job, I think I could go longer than 7 days. But the way my job is set up, it's not a good idea. According to the net, most people that do this take off from work and/or go to a retreat. I don't have that luxury.

I want my first juice to be Tamarind juice or cold pressed apple juice. I came across a cool non dairy ice cream that I eventually want to try and Amazon has a cute little ice cream maker coming my way soon, so I am looking forward to that once I am back to eating everyday. I've made homemade ice cream many times without a legit ice cream maker, but I want to step it up a little so I treated myself to one for 30 bucks. Amazon also has some sea moss and bladderwack coming my way. I've watched a few videos and read some articles on it and it is definitely something I want to try for myself.

Once I am back to eating solid foods everyday I have chosen the intermittent fast lifestyle which basically means you only eat during a certain window of the day. I've done it before and I know I can stick with that for the long term. I also know that if someone invites me somewhere after the window, I may have something and it's still all good to me. My body, my rules. I remember one day when I was losing all this weight and I had an entire Digorno's (sp) pizza by myself, late at night, and enjoyed every moment of it. No drastic weight gain from it and no regrets doing it.

I was going to go into my class reunion this weekend and my thoughts on it, but my body is reallllly telling me to log off and go to bed. So I will just say that I can't wait to see some of my high school folks face to face. Social media is nice, but it isn't the same as cutting up face to face :)

Wednesday, April 26, 2017


I am currently in my truck waiting for my mom to finish with her mental health appointment. I got a call a few minutes ago from her therapist offering a program 3 times a week that will pick her up and have her socialize with folks other than me and Pooka, for pennies!!!!!! I am soooo happy I am literally about to cry. I've been trying to get my mother into a program like this for several years now, but they only provided transportation to folks with Medicare which she is constantly denied from receiving. I offered to pay for it, but fine lines said I could not!

I was upset when my mother changed mental health providers. It was like they just tossed her out in the cold, but now I am so glad they did because I would not have found this new provider that is doing the damn thing and making ways for my mother to be better supported!

I had to get this out my system!

Saturday, March 18, 2017


I like my new job. It is stressful at times, but I like what I do.

I have got myself into gardening and trying to grow my own food. So far, so good.

My weight is back on the downward spiral I was on. It feels good to be back into a routine. So I weighed in at work today. I am trying to figure out an official scale I can use on a weekly basis, like I did when I was a companion for the 103 year old woman.

She died last year.

I need a official scale cuz the one at work is a sit down scale so I have to put my knees in the seat to see the weight. Having a scale in my house is a bad idea, LOL! Anywho, today I weighed in at 350.

So to recap, I started at 442, lost 126, gained 53, lost 19... I consider myself successful and a continuous work in progress.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Hello Pooka!

Funny story. I was talking to Pooka after TKD stuff Saturday afternoon (it is a tad after 2am Sunday) and she asks me a random question. The answer required me to tell her I had a blog. To which she responded....

"Through these brown eyes"

I was floored for a moment then asked how she knew. Apparently, she saw me working on a post one day and the rest was history!

Such an ackward moment.

But fortunately the kid and I have a great relationship and she is old enough to know more about her mother. So the ackwardness in my mind faded quickly.

So just in case she just so happens to read this post.

Hello Pooka! Yes, this is your code name and you will be my Pooka Poot forever. I love you!


Friday, January 27, 2017

Almost a year

Since I've blogged. Doing it now from my phone. So it should be short. In my last post last March I was ready for a new company to work for and I was 328 pounds. Well now I work for a much better company. Started back in August. It is stressful and challenging, but that is part of the job when it is done the right way. Sometimes I question if I'm making the right decisions for my patients. Sometimes I'm not so sure and it messes with me mentally and emotionally.

I weight 366 now. 38 more pounds than I was the last time I blogged. I can tell it and I can feel it. Today I sat down and the inner thigh portion of my scrub bottoms ripped open. Came back home to change. Guess I should be happy I work a lot closer to home than I used to. Got to stop stress consuming.

Today is a down day for me. Haven't had many of these lately so I was over due. Everyone else has there own shit to deal with so I thought I'd blog. That way I can get some of this out of my brain and I don't bother nobody with shit that's important to myself only.

I feel kinda lost. I feel kinda useless. I feel like I'm failing at being on top of my game. I feel ugly internally and externally. I look at myself in the mirror lately and it makes me sad. Part of it is hormones. Part of it is me being sad. Both of which will end soon. It is a cycle. My brain knows this. But I still stress eat and drink adult and non adult beverages...Which is not good for the liver. Shit, I treat people that have big problems because of drinking and eating too much. So I try not to consume as much on a regular basis.

It is Friday night. All my married co-workers and female friends are doing their thing. I am in my room, alone, blogging. Well at least I can be butt naked and don't have to consider anyone else in what I do tonight. Mom and the kids are squared away. I'm just lonely. I've asked a couple of people to take me out. Even new folks that I tried to meet online. Nobody who is sane wanted to take me anywhere. Guess I'm not good enough. I take myself out. I take my mother and kid out. I've taken members of the male species out. I just can't seem to get that in return. My mother says she doesn't want to drive my truck and Pooka does not have her permit yet, so whatever. I'm still in process of sucking it up and just accepting the fact that the shit ain't gonna happen. Ladynay, table of 1.

I kinda lost a friend this week. Even though there is nothing between this male friend and I on that level and we live multiple states away from one another, his new wife decided he and I could no longer be friends. I understand it, but I don't like it. I was no threat to her. She is beautiful, smart, domesticated, and fits my friend's bill. I will respect the wishes of his new wife. I wish them well and nothing but the best and mourn the loss of a friend. Again, I understand why we can't talk anymore, I just don't like it.

On a brighter note. Pooka is in the 10th grade now. She is really kicking ass this year and I could not be more proud. She struggled a bit in middle school and at the very beginning of high school. But something clicked on during freshman year and she has been an "A" student with the occasional "B". She got straight A's again this semester. She said she wants to go out of state to a beach. I would love to take her and my mother on a cruise, but my student loans are killing me and I made a goal to pay one of them off. They are not consolidated, so I can pay them off by I interest rate, high to low, that's the plan...but I digress. Pooka is a good kid and I have to count my blessings which definitely include her.


Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Still here

Life is still life. I am ready to start working for a different company. I am home recovering from the stomach flu. I weighed in yesterday at 328. That is 8 pounds more than when I blogged on July 27th, two days after my birthday. In the grand scheme of things, I call that "maintenance" a success!