Deja vu

I can't even begin to post about what happened last night.... such a mixed bag of emotions!

Yesterday while at work my boy Dre and I were talking about sex. When we do it's like mens locker room type stuff. I don't tell women much about my sex life cuz women are a trip, period. So I get all these ideas and I tell myself that Babydaddy and I are gonna try some and revisit others. He picks me up from work and on the way home it started. The blowing up of the cell phone. I let the first call slide...and the second...and the third. Most people who know me offline know that I don't care for that. Especially if it's a guy. My opinion is that if you came by to see me or hang out with me, don't take phone calls. If you have to take one, make it short and be done. I would never have a guest over and talk on the phone while they are there and we are in the middle of hanging out. To me that is just rude. So after the 3rd call came in. I was pissed.

I mean, if his DC chicks can't live without talking to him for THREE days, there is a problem! Plus the fact that he had darn near 10 hours to chit chat/email/im/communicate/whatever while I was at work! This was the kinda crap that went on when we lived together! He'd be home "looking for work"...I'd go to both jobs I had...I'd come home and he'd still be on the phone or net with various chicks. Then if I was too tired to give it up, he'd leave out at night to "clear his thoughts" aka go get some tail. Anyways, I just felt that same ole senerio last night and I wasn't feeling it. I tried to make myself go to sleep, but I could still hear him talking, so I went outside! I didn't feel comfortable in my own daggone apt! He finally got the point when I went outside, about 15 minutes later he came outside talking about how I didn't have to leave. What and ever! I was so ill, I called LAL to see if he could come pick me up after he got off and I chill at his place! When he picked up the phone he sounded busy and said so, so I just let him go back to work.

I wanted to tell Babydaddy to go stay with one of his NC chicks but most of them are living with a man and the one that is single is on her period. How I know? He told me? How he know? She told him? Why she tell him? He was planning some tail! Any o' ways...I stay in "female dog" mode for a good little while, don't say ish to him, then go to bed. He's still chit chatting on his cell or listening to his ipod and the yahoo sounder kept going off. I got up a few hours later, nothing had changed he had been in the same position I left him in before I went to bed. I debated whether to tell him about his rudeness. The side that said to let him know won and I finally sat down and let him in on what was going on. We talked for a good while and my favorite line of the whole conversation from him came.....

"I don't know how to read you anymore"

YES!!!! Little did he know that made me feel so good! He is a master manipulator. He can swiftly craft the best daggone lie and let it slip from his mouth oh so naturally, like it was as simple as breathing! So by him not being able to "read" me like he used to, he didn't know what to say to make everything all better. That thought still makes me smile. Even tho' I am the same person I was when we were together, a lot of me has changed and I am still changing. I am glad he picked up on it.

We talked ALL night, I have slept for about an hour and a half last night.We touched on a lot of things that touched on a lot of my feelings. The more and more he spoke the more he fed me lies! I finally got tired of talking and went from "ill mode" to "f it" mode. Babydaddy was giving me all the bs lines that basically meant...I said I was sorry, can we have sex now? So without any type of feeling, I took my pants and panties off, bend over in front of him and told him to take it and to get off quickly. I wanted sex too, but that idea was killed for me when he picked me up from work, so f it, at least one of us gets off right? So of course this started my mental trip on the piece of meat thing. Every guy whose claimed they had any feeling for me ended up using me for a piece of meat, for a while I accepted it. But the cycle gets old quick.

It's sad that I can't take any man serious if he professes any type of affection for me. I laughed in LAL's face when he told me he was in love with me. I verbally shot Redbone down when said he wanted to get to know me exclusively. T-lo has been the only guy out of my recent past that has kept it real from day one, and he is no where to be found. Well I know where he is and how to get up with him, I just don't want to bother the man. Plus that whole police curse thingy I took as a sign to stop going over T-Lo place.

The words out of Babydaddy's mouth were nice, they always are. But when you are chillin' with someone who lies so much, it's easier to just believe that it's all a lie than to attempt to pick out what is, and how much of what is true out of all that is being said. I still have love for Babydaddy, always will, and I honestly believe that he has love for me. But last night just even further proves that we can't go beyond friends with benefits. The whole talk/argument/debate/whatever thing was all to familiar. I been here with Babydaddy before....deja vu

There is so much more, but this post is long enough....