Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Thankful

I am currently in my truck waiting for my mom to finish with her mental health appointment. I got a call a few minutes ago from her therapist offering a program 3 times a week that will pick her up and have her socialize with folks other than me and Pooka, for pennies!!!!!! I am soooo happy I am literally about to cry. I've been trying to get my mother into a program like this for several years now, but they only provided transportation to folks with Medicare which she is constantly denied from receiving. I offered to pay for it, but fine lines said I could not!

I was upset when my mother changed mental health providers. It was like they just tossed her out in the cold, but now I am so glad they did because I would not have found this new provider that is doing the damn thing and making ways for my mother to be better supported!

I had to get this out my system!


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Update

I like my new job. It is stressful at times, but I like what I do.

I have got myself into gardening and trying to grow my own food. So far, so good.

My weight is back on the downward spiral I was on. It feels good to be back into a routine. So I weighed in at work today. I am trying to figure out an official scale I can use on a weekly basis, like I did when I was a companion for the 103 year old woman.

She died last year.

I need a official scale cuz the one at work is a sit down scale so I have to put my knees in the seat to see the weight. Having a scale in my house is a bad idea, LOL! Anywho, today I weighed in at 350.

So to recap, I started at 442, lost 126, gained 53, lost 19... I consider myself successful and a continuous work in progress.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Hello Pooka!

Funny story. I was talking to Pooka after TKD stuff Saturday afternoon (it is a tad after 2am Sunday) and she asks me a random question. The answer required me to tell her I had a blog. To which she responded....

"Through these brown eyes"

I was floored for a moment then asked how she knew. Apparently, she saw me working on a post one day and the rest was history!

Such an ackward moment.

But fortunately the kid and I have a great relationship and she is old enough to know more about her mother. So the ackwardness in my mind faded quickly.

So just in case she just so happens to read this post.

Hello Pooka! Yes, this is your code name and you will be my Pooka Poot forever. I love you!

-Mom

Friday, January 27, 2017

Almost a year

Since I've blogged. Doing it now from my phone. So it should be short. In my last post last March I was ready for a new company to work for and I was 328 pounds. Well now I work for a much better company. Started back in August. It is stressful and challenging, but that is part of the job when it is done the right way. Sometimes I question if I'm making the right decisions for my patients. Sometimes I'm not so sure and it messes with me mentally and emotionally.

I weight 366 now. 38 more pounds than I was the last time I blogged. I can tell it and I can feel it. Today I sat down and the inner thigh portion of my scrub bottoms ripped open. Came back home to change. Guess I should be happy I work a lot closer to home than I used to. Got to stop stress consuming.

Today is a down day for me. Haven't had many of these lately so I was over due. Everyone else has there own shit to deal with so I thought I'd blog. That way I can get some of this out of my brain and I don't bother nobody with shit that's important to myself only.

I feel kinda lost. I feel kinda useless. I feel like I'm failing at being on top of my game. I feel ugly internally and externally. I look at myself in the mirror lately and it makes me sad. Part of it is hormones. Part of it is me being sad. Both of which will end soon. It is a cycle. My brain knows this. But I still stress eat and drink adult and non adult beverages...Which is not good for the liver. Shit, I treat people that have big problems because of drinking and eating too much. So I try not to consume as much on a regular basis.

It is Friday night. All my married co-workers and female friends are doing their thing. I am in my room, alone, blogging. Well at least I can be butt naked and don't have to consider anyone else in what I do tonight. Mom and the kids are squared away. I'm just lonely. I've asked a couple of people to take me out. Even new folks that I tried to meet online. Nobody who is sane wanted to take me anywhere. Guess I'm not good enough. I take myself out. I take my mother and kid out. I've taken members of the male species out. I just can't seem to get that in return. My mother says she doesn't want to drive my truck and Pooka does not have her permit yet, so whatever. I'm still in process of sucking it up and just accepting the fact that the shit ain't gonna happen. Ladynay, table of 1.

I kinda lost a friend this week. Even though there is nothing between this male friend and I on that level and we live multiple states away from one another, his new wife decided he and I could no longer be friends. I understand it, but I don't like it. I was no threat to her. She is beautiful, smart, domesticated, and fits my friend's bill. I will respect the wishes of his new wife. I wish them well and nothing but the best and mourn the loss of a friend. Again, I understand why we can't talk anymore, I just don't like it.

On a brighter note. Pooka is in the 10th grade now. She is really kicking ass this year and I could not be more proud. She struggled a bit in middle school and at the very beginning of high school. But something clicked on during freshman year and she has been an "A" student with the occasional "B". She got straight A's again this semester. She said she wants to go out of state to a beach. I would love to take her and my mother on a cruise, but my student loans are killing me and I made a goal to pay one of them off. They are not consolidated, so I can pay them off by I interest rate, high to low, that's the plan...but I digress. Pooka is a good kid and I have to count my blessings which definitely include her.

Goodnight.


Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Still here

Life is still life. I am ready to start working for a different company. I am home recovering from the stomach flu. I weighed in yesterday at 328. That is 8 pounds more than when I blogged on July 27th, two days after my birthday. In the grand scheme of things, I call that "maintenance" a success!

Tuesday, September 08, 2015

out of the funk

What has been up with me? Hmmmm

Pooka started high school this year. Yep, you are old! When I look at her I see a young woman and it scares me. I can only pray she ends up as a decent contribution to society.

Mom has been dealing with her medical issues. As a caregiver, it get's tough to deal with at times, but she is my mother and I will pull my big girl panties up and deal with it.

My weight got down to 316. Today I weighed myself at 331. Menstrual stuff, lots of junk food and alcohol from stress and a touch of depression, less than a gallon of water everyday and not spending time with ShaunT like I used to is starting to feel a bit snug in the same clothes I was soo excited to be back into comfortably. No likey.

Since my birthday in late July, I felt like I been forcing myself on people. So I stopped. Nobody cared. That kinda sucked. I thought about getting back into the dating world just to meet new people and to feel wanted, but I don't feel like sorting through all the garbage right now.

My last relationship ended several years ago. At some point I will have to force myself into getting back out there or die as a lonely caregiver to the world.

In 10 days I will be on a plane to Connecticut for a wedding of one of my homies. She has been dating this guy for as long as I've known her. I am happy for her. As bad as it sounds, I wanted to look super smaller and spectacular for the wedding, I won't be able to lose too much this week so it is what it is. My friends that will be there loved me at my ultimate heaviest, so that is not the issue. I just had it planned in my head to WOW them. Kinda sad that I sabotaged that idea all by myself. I am being honest.

This Saturday night, a bunch of folks I went to high school with are having a low key reunion. According to the folks on FB that checked themselves as "going", there are a lot of people I would love to see again and catch up face to face with. I could do a quick run up there and stay at my grandmothers for free...but the large majority of me would rather stay in NC. We will see how I feel on Saturday morning.

I don't like my main job anymore. My coworker told me the other day that every time she sees me come in, she wonders if I am going to make my announcement about leaving.  This job grates on my moral and ethical nerves and I no longer have respect for my supervisor. Him walking in the room and saying good morning makes me want to punch him in the face! Seriously. I want to make it a complete 3 years at this spot so I can secure one of my school loans into becoming a grant. I am basically paying back my loan through service by serving a rural area where most providers don't choose to go. Everyone wants to work in Raleigh, Durham, and Chapel Hill. Nobody wants to work in east bumblefunk, LOL! I just made that city up. I swear, if I had the funds, I would start a pro bono clinic that accepted gifts if you felt compelled to give.

The insurance system as a whole disgusts me, but that is a soapbox speech all by itself.

Aless.ia Ca.ra's He.re is my current JAM!!!!!

This post is me publicly stating and placing in writing that I am officially getting out of this funk I've been in.

Back to health, back to hustle, back to self focus, back to real happiness.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Birthday weight and random stuff

I don't know how to start this, LOL!

Work is work. My last day with the 103 year old was yesterday. I will miss the easy money. I will not miss being there every weekend. The nice scale that I took my official weigh ins on was in that building, so I guess I need to find another "official" scale and weigh in day.

Here is the last reading from my, now ex, official scale I took yesterday morning:





I litteraly just figured out how I can save my pics properly. That a s p x whatever crap was blowing me! LOL! Anywho...

442-320 = 122 pounds lost!!!!!!!

With that being said I must mention that my birthday was Saturday and I gave myself permission to have whatever I wanted all weekend. I won't even lie. I had ALOT of alcohol and alcohol has insane calories...so does brownies, ice cream, cake, cookies, chips, etc... I weighed myself today at the main job and I think my birthday "turn up" weekend caught up with me today, so I am no longer 320. It's all good though. I planned this. I enjoyed my birthday and in the end, that's what matters. We are  back to our regularly scheduled program now :)

I also got my first Brazilian wax for my birthday! It was either going to be that or a tattoo. Something memorable. I won't lie and say the wax was a piece of cake as far as comfort levels, but I will say the results are wonderful and I am going back next month! 

Life is good. I like where I am in life right now! Let's hope this continues for awhile!