Sunday, December 14, 2014

This is me

I have always loved myself. My self esteem fluctuates, but I have always loved and continue to love me. But the weirdest thing happened earlier tonight. I took this selfie (Random fact: I take selfies all the time, but delete them pretty much right after I take them)

There is no filter. The room is illuminated by a lamp only hence the tenting. But anywho...I took this selfie and when I looked at it, I couldn't stop staring. This is me. Chilling at the crib, hair down, laid back, very basic.....and very beautiful. As I looked at myself, the opinions of others did not matter. Not that I am aware of the negative comments of other people, but even if I did, they would not matter. Tonight I feel like the beautiful queen that I am.

I am not drunk or under then influence of anything.

I just wish I can feel this way everyday.



Saturday, December 06, 2014

Starting to slow down...

....my workload. At the moment, I have 5 employers. I work somewhere everyday. But not today! WOOT WOOT! Today I slept in (to 7am) and plan on decorating my tree, taking Pooka to practice for her play tonite, and going to the TaeKwonDo's Holiday party! Looking forward to it!

But anywho, I am starting to slow down all this work stuff because I want to incorporating even more face time with friends and family. Earlier this week I had a tension headache so bad on the R side of my face that I was sensitive to light and was disoriented for about 10 seconds. It was kinda scary but after I got home and got a good nights rest, I felt better.

Often, I think no one calls me up like "let's go to the park/eat/wherever" because they think I am busy or something. I usually am, but it still kinda sucks. I not talking just about romantic dating type stuff. I am talking about in general.

I have also set myself up to be a constant giver. I love to give. I love the feeling I receive when I give and do for others. However, I think most of the people in my life circles automatically expect me to give to them because I do it all the time! As bad as it sounds...I have to stop that. I don't want my friends and family to just EXPECT me to do for them. Pooka is the exception. I am expected to provide her with her needs and some of her wants.

Small example. I hate washing dishes and cleaning in general. I have a dishwasher but it never cleans the dishes to my liking. My family doesn't care for cleaning in general either. It is ALWAYS me that ends up doing all the cleaning and it's not fair. My mother and Pooka expect me to wash the dishes because I always do! Last month, just to see what would happen, I let the dishes pile up for a week! I used my same bowl and silverware over and over that week. My family piled the sink up high! Think my mother who is home all day everyday washed them? Nope! Then after I put the kitchen back together, a comment was made about how they were wondering why I hadn't did it earlier. Yeaaaaaaaah really? I am just expected to wash the dirty dishes that I didn't even contribute towards? Yeah okay.

In general, I just want people to treat me like I treat them. I am at a point where I am tired of being the giver/provider/arranger/organizer/payer/caregiver/maid/taxi/everything to everyone, and want people to do for me...because they want to...not because I told them too.

This is all over the place but I needed to get this out of my head.

Gotta take the kid to practice! TTYL

Oh, and I weighed in yesterday at 392.6 (44 pounds from my highest weight ever). It's about 2 pounds lighter than what I was when I last blogged (I think). Considering I had a wonderful (and filling) Thanksgiving and the holiday parties that are popping up I think that's wonderful! My holiday goal is to not go over 395. I am allowing myself to enjoy all this wonder food around me, within reason, and I will NOT beat myself up over having an extra gingerbread person! Nope!

Okay really gotta go now! Peace!

*****EDIT******

Just got back from dropping Pooka off at practice and got another example...I asked my mom if she would drop Pooka off at practice for me (so I can be lazy and stay in my room). She is not comfy driving in the rain...okay cool...as we walk out, mom wants to ride with AND make a stop!!! This irritated me. I gave the option for you to be out and about doing your own thing at your own pace and you rather me chauffeur you around on an almost rare day I don't have to work anywhere! *sigh*

Anywho, this was supposed to be me journalling about me telling my PRN jobs "No" more often and cutting down the hours I do work my side hustles because it is physically affecting me...but it went somewhere else.

I can't wait for my vacation in 2 weeks! Soooo needed!






Sunday, November 23, 2014

This will NOT turn into a weight loss journey blog...

But I will mention it pretty often because it's one of my main focuses for 2015. Every year, instead of making very specific new years resolutions, I try to focus on one area of my life. For instance in 2013 my key word was "transition". I was focused on finishing school and all the transitions that came with that. This year the key word is foundation. This year I focused on getting the job I wanted, the home I wanted, and laying the financial aspect of my life down. I think 2015 will be the year of health. I plan on focusing on getting my health in order sometime around or before my 35th birthday, I should hit a very big milestone in my journey! I can't wait to blog about it! :) 

As of yesterday, 11/22/14, I am at:


That is 436.6-394.6 = 42 pounds down from my highest weight ever and 433.3-394.6 = 38.7 pounds down from when I got serious about my health. I can't tell the difference visually, but different people are starting to notice and ask if I am losing weight. Feels great!

I also have to focus more on my social health. I have great friends that I have not seen in close to a year that live less than 20 minutes away from me. I may shoot a text or fb message here and there, but to me, that's not enough. More face to face time, less facebook time! :)

For Thanksgiving I am going to my cousin's house in the country. We usually have this huge dinner in a rented building, complete with a theme and entertainment. This year it will be more traditional. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's cool, because it's all about the fellowship and food anyway to me.

For Christmas, my family and I are going to the Gaylord Resort. This will be our 3rd year going! I am soo thankful and blessed that I am able to treat my family to a nice "vacation". My grandmother, mother, and aunt have invested soo much into my well being financially that I feel that no matter how much I spend on them, it will never fully repay them for all the times they have had my back and paid my way when I had dust in my pockets and bank account.

I took the whole week off, so the plan is to stay at the resort for 2 nights and then spend sometime catching up with some friends I grew up with. Whenever I go home, I never really go anywhere. If I see one of my old friends, it's because I ran into them at the store or something like that. :( I already plan on going to iPic movie theater, which is basically a high scale theater and restaurant (heated reclining seats and all that jazz), and going to work out with 2 different friends that are fitness instructors now. One is a traditional instructor and one leads a Da Go-Go class where you basically do high cardio choreographed routines to go-go music. My friend advertises the class and puts videos up on fb all the time. It looks like soo much fun! They have no idea what my plans are, so it will be a nice surprise. I just hope they don't cancel classes that week.

Nothing is going on in January that I know of...

At the end of February I am going to Texas!!! Woot woot! One of my friends from PT school lives out there now and invited our little group to their home. She practices Muy Thai and Jiu Jitsu and wants me to go with her to her gym when I'm there! Soo excited about that! MT and BJJ are more aggressive than TaeKwonDo, but I still look forward to it. I am still taking TKD by the way. I still look like an idiot and move pretty slow, but I get my sweat on and that's what it's all about for me.

This is getting pretty long and I need to read a few blogs and clean my place. I took the day off from all jobs today, so I have no excuse! I have been planning on bleaching my bathroom and shampooing the carpets for months! Gotta suck it up and get it done. I also have putting the Christmas tree up on my to do list...*sigh* Fun! LOL!











Thursday, November 06, 2014

All about that weight, 'bout that weight, no treble

Weight is a very sensitive subject, especially with women. However, I must share some private things and get things out there. Since not too many people read my blog, I figure I can drop info here...

*deep breath* Here we go.....

In January of 2010, when I started PT school, I toggled around the line of 400 pounds. It was the highest I'd ever been in life.

Right before I gave birth to Pooka, I was about 360 pounds. I was about 290 before I got pregnant. Yep! Gained 70 pounds!

I managed to get down to about 312 around the time I broke up with Pooka's dad, I was hitting the trails faithfully, and couldn't afford to really eat much of anything (another blog in and of itself), but I gained it all back, plus some, when I was done mourning the relationship and my financial status improved.

When I graduated high school I was between 250-260. I remember when I was dating Pooka's father I specifically told him, "If I ever got up to 300, slap me!" I was pregnant when that happened so he didn't follow through, LOL! (Not that he would have if I wasn't, he isn't the violent type)

My highest weight to date on July 19th 2014 is below *sigh*

"Gross" is right!!!! This number depressed me for awhile, but I STILL didn't have the kick in the butt I needed to get my life right :(

September 2, 2014. The day I already blogged about. I weighed in at 433.3 pounds!
ANYWAYSSSSSSSS.....I have been getting my weight and pressure right since September 2nd using the old fashion eat right and exercise method. (I know, super slow and boring) I have also been keeping a food log which I knew from past experiences worked for me.

So let's fast forward to today. At my main PT job, the scales go up to 400 pounds. So I could never weight myself at that gig. I have been doing well since September and today when I walked past the room with a scale, I said to myself..."Oh F it, see what happens." I saw this.....



OMG!!!!! Did numbers actually show up on the scale at work? Am I really under 400 pounds? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am sooooo excited!!!!!!!

Yes, I realize I have a long way to go, but this is so encouraging to my soul! That is 37.8 pounds down from my highest weight ever! It may not seem like a lot, but seeing those numbers mean the world to me. It's like I am a human, not a piece of freight material that requires a special scale to be weighed!

Today is a good day! I knew this time would be different. I could feel it! Down in my gut I know that I will go all the way. I will not share what my long term goal weight is right now. Just know that it's gonna take me awhile to get there!

This is it! No more yo yo'ing! No more 400+ pounds.....ever.....EVER again! I have officially dropped out of the 4 dollar club for good! I am claiming that! Amen!

I just had to get that out my system, and I am not sharing numbers on FB nor telling the people around me where I started or how much I have lost until I reach a certain number :)

I can't wait until the day I can post up my transformation video! *cheese*

Now back to your regularly scheduled program!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Tuesday, September 2nd

I picked up yet another side hustle. This time at a facility in Raleigh not too far from my place (Hallelujah). The only thing I had left to do was get my drug test and employment physical. No problem! They scheduled me up at a local urgent care on 9/2.

I went. I urinated in the cup. I read some letters on the wall. I raised my hand when I heard the beep. I showed them some physical movements. Then I got my pressure taken....

181/118

That was not a typo! WTH? I have always been a large person, but I prided myself on having good medical numbers. Just to make sure, I asked to chill out for a few and have them take it again. They obliged...

160/110 *insert mental curse words*

The very nice P.A. recommended that I see a M.D. for a medication prescription. I politely smiled and nodded while in the back of my mind I already knew that I was not going to take a blood pressure pill. That moment was also my "wake up call". You know when you watch people with dramatic weight loss stories/transformations the person usually mentions the wake up call that kick started their journey? Yeah, sitting on that treatment table staring at the numbers was mine.

I have tried almost every weight loss method/program around and the only one that really worked for me was keeping a food log. Many moons ago I had signed up for My Fitness Pal, but I was too lazy to start actually using it. Right now, the app is one of my best friends. That friend that knows about all about your measurements and weight! LOL!

I also started Tae Kwon Do with Pooka. It is harder than it looks! That's all I will say about that, LOL!

As of this past Sunday, I am down 21 pounds and my blood pressure is back to "normal" on a consistent basis! I am taking baby steps because I want this to be the last time I ever see my current weight or hypertension level blood pressures ever again! For some odd reason, I have this gut feeling that this time is gonna be the real deal, long term, healthy living lifestyle transformation! Coming from someone that has started a million and three diets in her lifetime, this time it just feels different!

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

For real this time

Shout out to the folks that hit my blog up a couple days ago! That was a pleasant surprise. I thought I'd get a comment by the end of the month from a spammer or something, LOL!

I really do plan on getting back to blogging more often. I miss using this tool as an outlet.

So what's been up?

Yesterday I went to get an employment physical. Of course they told me I was morbidly obese and needed to lose weight. You don't need a degree to figure that out. But one thing that came from that physical scared me horribly....

My blood pressure.

Right now, at the levels I am running. I can have a heart attack, stroke, you name it! I am not symptomatic but Hypertension is nothing to play with. I strongly prefer not to take meds, so now I have to act right to live! This isn't just for looking good anymore...this is for my life! I am taking this seriously even more so than I have in the past.

I have started to take Taekwondo along with Pooka. She is a 2nd degree black belt now. After taking one class full of basics, I told Pooka that I had so much respect for her craft now. I liked to have passed out from the easy stuff!!!!! LOL!

I hope and pray that I can get on and stay on the road to health!

Monday, September 01, 2014

You know how I do

You know how I do, post something, then disappear for awhile. LOL! I am on FB everyday though. I am a facebook addict. I can admit that. What's funny to me is that now that my life is pretty busy on a pretty constant basis, many people are guessing and assuming about what's going on in my non existent life based on my fb posts. Little do people know, I only post about 1/4th of my personal life on there...like the fact I got TWO tickets within five minutes of each other for allegedly running stop signs! I am still irritated about that non sense!

Anywho, mom is good. Pooka is good. Pooka turned 13 on Wednesday. I have a teenager! It doesn't feel like that much time has passed, but it has. She is soo beautiful, smart, and talented! Yes, I am biased. Sue me.

I didn't read my last entry. But I pretty much work everyday. That is my life right now. My social life is pretty non existent, but I am trying to honestly work on it. At the moment I have 1 full time PT gig, 2 as needed PT gigs, 1 part time private PT gig every 3 weeks, and 1 part time companion/sitter gig...so yeah, I am never home. I don't want my social life to suffer like it has this year, but with higher bills and this 6 figure student loan to keep under control, I have to hustle hard...or hit the lottery...or find an extremely wealthy sugar daddy, LOL!

But as I stroll into September, I kinda like some of the changes I have made. Being busy allowed me the chance to stop gossiping all the time. I wasn't trying to be a gossiper, but I always found myself talking about and asking about what was going on with people that were not in the room. I had to check myself quick. I made a conscience choice not to have full blown conversations about people that were not a part of the conversation. So outside of the, how are your kids, momma, husband, wife, pets deal. I kept my lips kinda tight. I still have a ways to go with the gossiping, but I have come a long way this year. I am proud of myself.

I am growing a container garden. So far, so good! Right now I have 10 containers and I am growing lettuce, spinach, cantaloupe, and tomatoes. If I manage to harvest at least ONE thing that is edible, I will call my efforts successful! LOL! Don't judge me! It rained ALOT recently and some of my plants suffered for it, but I hope with a few consecutive warm and rain free days, my plant children will dry out and get back on track.

That was all over the place, but whatever. This is my blog and I can journal how I please, LOL!