My family, my true friends, my relationship/romantic interest, my education, my home, my vehicle, my job....
So many things that I have have much value in my life. Even though I want out of my current job, it has a value to me because if I was given the pink slip today I'd be very upset. So even it has much value to me.
My fear is that I'll do something making me responsible for losing what I value.
Not long ago, something very minor happened that made me think that I may lose my home. I toggled back and forth whether to log it publicly. It was nothing big or confirming that eviction was going to occur. I still panicked and sent myself into an evening full of tears and worry all due to the fear of being responsible for losing what I value. I will admit that a small part of me still gets nervous every time I go check my mail. Though it's been a bit, I still fear I am going to see that letter telling me I have 30 days or whatever to bounce.
Also recently something very minor happened that made me think that I may lose my relationship. It wasn't nothing big or confirming that this was going to occur, but I still panicked and altered my speech and demeanor. I tried covering my fear, envy, and touch of insecurity up but it didn't work. My heart knows and is secure that everything is fine. Most of my head does too! Even my gut is giving me the green light. But for certain areas and things there is a part of me that tries to mess things up and make me feel like a hypocrite in my security. It's like that girlfriend without a significant other over my shoulder telling me all sorts of stupid shit to mess with my mind. I know I shouldn't listen to her, but sometimes what she says gets through. I really can't stand that broad! I just want to wrap her mouth in duck tape, bind her wrists and ankles, and sit her in a dark corner of my mind never to be heard from again. She could possibly be the one that would be responsible for me losing something that I value. Which is what I fear.
*sigh* I could use a warm, caring, hug today. My number one hug dealer is up state, most likely sleeping up under my mother right now. Bleh!
22 comments:
Awww...let me be the first to give you a virtual hug. I know what you mean by feeling like you may be responsible for things going bad. It's a struggle that I have to at times.
Hopefully your #1 hugger will be back soon.
Thank you x's 3 for the comment, hug, and the other thing. You're a sweetie E!(((E)))
She'll be back in a week and some days.
well.. how about an e-hug?
((((HUGS))))
I'll never turn down a net hug chicka :-) (((TTD)))
Okay, you know the deal. Turn around and take this hug. (((Ladynay))) Something is poking you? I don't know what you're talking about. Why am I rocking back and forth? Hush, quit listening to that chick.
That number one hug dealer comment can be taken a couple of different ways. Eventually, I figured out you were talking about Pooka. LOL
Take a breath and think happy thoughts. :o) I'll hit you with a brick...repeatedly if you ever tell me to do the same.
Well you know I got ya sista and if I were there I'd drag you out into the street so we could get some drinks (of course low cal lol) and laugh at the folks who aren't wearing weather appropriate clothing LOL
Let me stop.
You know Pooka is sending you love :)
As we all know sometimes we can be our own worst enemy
(((((hugs)))))
Now you know I like hugs. And like I tell my sisters and nieces and nephews, if I cant give nothing I can give a hug.
I have been there with the thoughts thing too. But when the chick shows up on your shoulder again just remember that you are phenomenal, creative, beautiful, unique, wonderful, fabulous and in control. You got this. You really got this. Yo wont mess up and you cant loose.
If you like I can record that for you and you can play it when you need it. I mean it. Because I believe those things. even if I do only know you in the blog world.
Ummm sounding kinda aggressive aren't we? LOL
I am curious about the other ways you took the hug dealer comment. I mean, I know I am the typo queen but I meant to type hug not drug. LOL
There you go w/that darn brick! Hit me with it and see what happens! *thug face*
Honey, chile I don't know who is worst with the observations, you or the chick I met at the wedding! HHAHAHAHA!
She is, I spoke to her this morning *cheese*
I posted something similar to that fairly recently.
YAY a DNT hug! I know you are the blog hug master! LOL
Back in the day I used to write myself notes and stick them on the bathroom mirror/fridge/car windshield with positive reinforcement messages on them. I may have to do that again. Hmmmmmmm
(((HUG)))
Knocked that chick off your shoulder when she comes back!
Yeah I got something for her ass when she starts yapping that mouth of hers Southern! Trust!
Oh, here is an extra hug for you (((Southern)))
HUG DEALLER!! CLASSIC!
(((((HUG))))))
Don't succumb to fear and insecurity, it can screw up things that were actually perfectly fine to begin with.
Awww ladynay! *gives you a cyber hug*
We all have those days that just make us feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. I just had mine Monday :-)Just tell that lil devil over your shoulder to kick rocks cause you ain't the one! lol
Keep your head up lady!
That's my Pooka! :-) I miss my random hugs and kisses.
I am trying not to, trying...
(((Omar)))
Argal, start a blog and start telling us about stuff chick! Sorry you had an off day Monday (((argal))). Seeing "kick rocks" tends to make me smile. :-)
My head is up right now. I am good.
It's so funny that you mentioned that. I have a blog that I have not looked at in over a year and a half because I never really posted anything. I have been mulling over starting it back up. You may have just been the kick in the bootay that I needed.
Well alrighty then...GETZ TAH BLOGGING! LOL
Yeah, yeah, just be quiet and take this hug until I'm done. LOL
The hug dealer being upstate. Could be interpreted as a typo of drug dealer and upstate can be a euphemism for prison in some parts.
The sleeping up under your mother part, well they do call me Freaky so I don't think I need to connect the dots to figure that one out.
OH okay, take your time :-P
Ahhhhhhhhh I see! Nasty!
((Ladynay))
Keep your chin up! :-)
(sorry i didn't have anything more profound to say...)
Hang in there! You know me and LadyKat are here if you need us! Even if you do get a 30 day notice! You know the digits if you need to talk! I have never been fortunate enough to be without my kid for more than a weekend, so cant relate-- although wish I could at times! LOL Never too late to call us if you need anything!
Much hugs!
(((BB))) It's all good.
*gasp* I have a comment from lsbnmom! LOL
When little momma gets a little older and a little more independant I am sure you'll get an extended mommy break :-)
Although I am SO late on this...never hesitate to call me if you need anything...hugs, cursin out, money, whateva!
msnakki@gmail.com (I check it hourly!)
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