Monday, March 09, 2009


Per Webster...

Main Entry: in·se·cure
Pronunciation: \ˌin-si-ˈkyu̇r\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Medieval Latin insecurus, from Latin in- + securus secure
Date: 1649
1: not confident or sure : uncertain
2: not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe
3: not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky
4 a: not highly stable or well-adjusted b: deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety

*sigh* I hate my insecurites! They are stupid, plain and simple. The majority of me is so confident, so certain, so stable. But those tiny bits of insecurity messes it up for me sometimes. I have many fears. One of which is the feeling like I am never enough for anything or anybody. I have already started having daydreams about not finishing PT school or being enough to land my dream job when I finish. I fear one day those around me will grow tired and leave. I fear that I'll never be enough. Again it's stupid, I know.

I was talking to the mother of friend of mine who comes across as a high class woman. Whenever I talk to her I feel like I have to step my game up and be more upscale. Why? Why can't I be cool as is? Nobody is asking me to step my game up yet I feel like I have to. Hate that.

Most days I don't need validation or approval, but there are days that I need one, the other, or both. Hate that.

Some days I look in the mirror and be like "man that's one good looking woman" and other days I wonder why anyone wants to be seen with me. I hate my insecurities. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate that I haven't figured out a way to destroy them forever. Why can't I feel like I'm enough as is ALL THE TIME???? Why does part of my inner drive to become better and better come from thinking if I didn't no one would care? Hate that.