Tuesday, September 08, 2015

out of the funk

What has been up with me? Hmmmm

Pooka started high school this year. Yep, you are old! When I look at her I see a young woman and it scares me. I can only pray she ends up as a decent contribution to society.

Mom has been dealing with her medical issues. As a caregiver, it get's tough to deal with at times, but she is my mother and I will pull my big girl panties up and deal with it.

My weight got down to 316. Today I weighed myself at 331. Menstrual stuff, lots of junk food and alcohol from stress and a touch of depression, less than a gallon of water everyday and not spending time with ShaunT like I used to is starting to feel a bit snug in the same clothes I was soo excited to be back into comfortably. No likey.

Since my birthday in late July, I felt like I been forcing myself on people. So I stopped. Nobody cared. That kinda sucked. I thought about getting back into the dating world just to meet new people and to feel wanted, but I don't feel like sorting through all the garbage right now.

My last relationship ended several years ago. At some point I will have to force myself into getting back out there or die as a lonely caregiver to the world.

In 10 days I will be on a plane to Connecticut for a wedding of one of my homies. She has been dating this guy for as long as I've known her. I am happy for her. As bad as it sounds, I wanted to look super smaller and spectacular for the wedding, I won't be able to lose too much this week so it is what it is. My friends that will be there loved me at my ultimate heaviest, so that is not the issue. I just had it planned in my head to WOW them. Kinda sad that I sabotaged that idea all by myself. I am being honest.

This Saturday night, a bunch of folks I went to high school with are having a low key reunion. According to the folks on FB that checked themselves as "going", there are a lot of people I would love to see again and catch up face to face with. I could do a quick run up there and stay at my grandmothers for free...but the large majority of me would rather stay in NC. We will see how I feel on Saturday morning.

I don't like my main job anymore. My coworker told me the other day that every time she sees me come in, she wonders if I am going to make my announcement about leaving.  This job grates on my moral and ethical nerves and I no longer have respect for my supervisor. Him walking in the room and saying good morning makes me want to punch him in the face! Seriously. I want to make it a complete 3 years at this spot so I can secure one of my school loans into becoming a grant. I am basically paying back my loan through service by serving a rural area where most providers don't choose to go. Everyone wants to work in Raleigh, Durham, and Chapel Hill. Nobody wants to work in east bumblefunk, LOL! I just made that city up. I swear, if I had the funds, I would start a pro bono clinic that accepted gifts if you felt compelled to give.

The insurance system as a whole disgusts me, but that is a soapbox speech all by itself.

Aless.ia Ca.ra's He.re is my current JAM!!!!!

This post is me publicly stating and placing in writing that I am officially getting out of this funk I've been in.

Back to health, back to hustle, back to self focus, back to real happiness.


Newy said...

I have missed you. I was wondering where you have been. Chin up...Fill up your waterjug and start over.

blkbutterfly said...

High school?! Uhm... what? I remember when she was in elementary school!

Hope you had fun in Connecticut!

I hope you find what you want in your love life. You won't die a lonely caregiver, though. ((hugs))