I was going to post at work but since a few people think driving my van is extremely dangerous and could lead to my death I guess I'll do it now.
My power booster needs replacing.
My left knee hurts like hell.
Snookums has a new lady friend. I am still trying not to trip about it cuz I have male friends and I know I'm doing what I can to be a good girlfriend. I am trying not to be the insecure chick. I know deep down I am a good woman. I am trying to think different thoughts that I have in the past when new women enter the lives of men I am seeing. "she's prettier than you, you know he wants to hit that, you know men with g/f's are more appealling to some women, she's gonna take him, she has more sex appeal, her conversation is on point, she will do everything you won't, blah blah blah blah" God knows I am trying hard. Fuck Babydaddy and all the bullshit I only have to make reference too! FUCK YOU BABYDADDY!!!!! I tried to avoid making new male friends and rarely talk to the ones I already have cuz most men feel like men only make friends with women cuz they trying to get in the pants and the last thing I want to do is make Snookums feel uncomfortable. But if he's gonna make friends then I am too. Fair is fair. I can't expect him to stop his growing in any part of his life because I am in it. Again, fair is fair. If you try to stop someones elses growth they will either stop growing and die or find a way to remove you so they can keep rising to the top. If you stop yourself that's your choice.
My male best friend is homeless. There is really nothing I can do about it. Currently he's staying with a friend and her kid. I didn't talk to him long cuz I am not trying to mess up his current shelter. His birthday is this month so I may send him a few bucks electronically.
I ran into the guy who slept with my mother and created me. It has messed me up. I was okay never seeing or talking to him again. He is giving the same bs. Yet again I've tried to be the adult and gave him and his family an open invite to lunch or my place. He won't take the offer despite what his mouth says. I am just waiting for that day when I graduate. If he shows up he's going to be like "my daughter this and my daughter that". I wonder if I'll be bold enough to tell him to shut the fuck up in front of everyone. Save the he's your only father shit for some other blogger. You loved your dad and for some reason he's gone. I am sorry he is gone and I wish you had another moment with him to share.
I cried myself to sleep last night cuz I will never get an "I'm sorry" from my father or Babydaddy, the two men that have chipped away a part of my core being when all I did was give what I had. I have this thing that tells me that no matter what I accomplish or great I try to be. I'll never be enough for anybody, not even myself. I really HATE this train of thought that never seems to go away for good.
Not diva enough for my family.
Not good enough for my father to have chosen to be around
Not still enough to spend more time with my daugther
Not loving enough for Snookums
Wasn't woman enough for *insert any ex's name* to treat me like I treated them
Not smart enough for PT school
Not financially sound enough to help a friend in dire need
the list goes on and on....
I know this is a cycle seeing my father triggered and my train of thoughts will be a lot better soon. It's how it all works.
I shared with Ladykat this weekend that I had a strong feeling that my death was going to occur in a single car accident. I am not ready to go and I don't think today is my day to depart the earth, but sometimes you have to wonder if today is the day. I had 4 people tell me not to drive the van yesterday.
We'll see what happens.