Monday, February 04, 2008

no title

I was going to post at work but since a few people think driving my van is extremely dangerous and could lead to my death I guess I'll do it now.

My power booster needs replacing.

My left knee hurts like hell.

Snookums has a new lady friend. I am still trying not to trip about it cuz I have male friends and I know I'm doing what I can to be a good girlfriend. I am trying not to be the insecure chick. I know deep down I am a good woman. I am trying to think different thoughts that I have in the past when new women enter the lives of men I am seeing. "she's prettier than you, you know he wants to hit that, you know men with g/f's are more appealling to some women, she's gonna take him, she has more sex appeal, her conversation is on point, she will do everything you won't, blah blah blah blah" God knows I am trying hard. Fuck Babydaddy and all the bullshit I only have to make reference too! FUCK YOU BABYDADDY!!!!! I tried to avoid making new male friends and rarely talk to the ones I already have cuz most men feel like men only make friends with women cuz they trying to get in the pants and the last thing I want to do is make Snookums feel uncomfortable. But if he's gonna make friends then I am too. Fair is fair. I can't expect him to stop his growing in any part of his life because I am in it. Again, fair is fair. If you try to stop someones elses growth they will either stop growing and die or find a way to remove you so they can keep rising to the top. If you stop yourself that's your choice.

My male best friend is homeless. There is really nothing I can do about it. Currently he's staying with a friend and her kid. I didn't talk to him long cuz I am not trying to mess up his current shelter. His birthday is this month so I may send him a few bucks electronically.

I ran into the guy who slept with my mother and created me. It has messed me up. I was okay never seeing or talking to him again. He is giving the same bs. Yet again I've tried to be the adult and gave him and his family an open invite to lunch or my place. He won't take the offer despite what his mouth says. I am just waiting for that day when I graduate. If he shows up he's going to be like "my daughter this and my daughter that". I wonder if I'll be bold enough to tell him to shut the fuck up in front of everyone. Save the he's your only father shit for some other blogger. You loved your dad and for some reason he's gone. I am sorry he is gone and I wish you had another moment with him to share.

I cried myself to sleep last night cuz I will never get an "I'm sorry" from my father or Babydaddy, the two men that have chipped away a part of my core being when all I did was give what I had. I have this thing that tells me that no matter what I accomplish or great I try to be. I'll never be enough for anybody, not even myself. I really HATE this train of thought that never seems to go away for good.

Not diva enough for my family.
Not good enough for my father to have chosen to be around
Not still enough to spend more time with my daugther
Not loving enough for Snookums
Wasn't woman enough for *insert any ex's name* to treat me like I treated them
Not smart enough for PT school
Not financially sound enough to help a friend in dire need
the list goes on and on....

I know this is a cycle seeing my father triggered and my train of thoughts will be a lot better soon. It's how it all works.

I shared with Ladykat this weekend that I had a strong feeling that my death was going to occur in a single car accident. I am not ready to go and I don't think today is my day to depart the earth, but sometimes you have to wonder if today is the day. I had 4 people tell me not to drive the van yesterday.

We'll see what happens.


Darius T. Williams said...

If this was caused by driving the van...leave it alone!

Ladynay said...

Nope, it was by seeing my father. So far the van has got me to Pooka's daycare, work and school. I will be fine. I am currently waiting on someone to call me about pricing to fix it. He left me a message on my home phone but I am not at home! :-(

My mind set is already better than last night or this morning.

kasandra said...

Wow. That was deep. I was kinda thinking I was the other blogger? Cuz I surely wouldn't tell you that. With my mouth and temper, I WOULD have the nerve to tell him to STFU!!!!

Ladynay said...

I few people have stated that they wanted to read me post in a different state of mind, so I figured why not.

I wasn't talking about anyone in particular. It's just whenever I mention my father someone always gives me the "he's the only one you got, cherish him" spill.

As time goes on I think if he was to show up I wouldn't be rude about it. I'll just give him a special thank you for not being an active part of the fabulous person I have become to be.

Freaky Deaky said...

How many people do you need to tell you not to drive that van before you don't? Think about you, Pooka, and any of the innocent people on the roadways between point A and point B that could get hurt or even die if something goes wrong with your van while you're out and about.

Hurt knees must be going around.

So you're going to make payback friends? You too need to talk. Decisions made out of hurt, fear,or anger don't tend to be the best ones.

I love it when Bloggers switch up and write from different emotions then they normally do. It's interesting to me.

Ladynay said...

I don't know the answer.

Awwwww sorry to hear I am not the only one with knee issues.

Nope, not payback friends. Just not gonna restrict myself from making new friends cuz he hasn't. And you are right.

Yeah, I like it to, it changes the flow from time to time. Everyone can't be happy/sad/angry/whatever all the time. Many people just want to portray a certain side of them on their online journals. That gets boring.

LsbnMom said...

For what its worth, let me share with you some of my "daddy" drama when you have a moment! I dont talk to either my father or stepfather. Have only met by birth father once and was fed a load of bs. Stepfather, thats a more deep conversation, but I havent seen or talked to him in about 8 years and I am ok with that. If I see him again, I might catch a charge. No joke!

Hang in there! Im here if you need me! You know that!

deepnthought said...

say the word and I got a black hoodie and a brand new bat. I will be happy to go and bust a few knee caps just for you. I hate that you were feeling that way. (just say the word and babbydaddy and sperm donor can have a cracked knee cap by morning.)

I hope you know that you are the best ladynay nay ever. You are beautiful, talented, phenomenal, and will be the best PT ever to walk on land.

Ladynay said...

lsbnmom, yeah I guess we'll swap stories one day.

DNT, I don't want a cracked kneecap, just a truthful apology.

There's my handy dandy cheerleader! LOL

AR Gal said...

A friend of mine had the same sperm donor issues. She has only seen her father a few times in her life and when she did try and reach out when she got older.....nothing (even though all of his family embraced her as a young child). You won't hear that "cherish the love you have" spill from me cause I've witnessed the damage and that shit ain't no joke.

I sure hate you were feelin down in the dumps. Now that it's over...SIT UP STRAIGHT AND HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH YOUNG LADY! :-) You've got everything going for you!! EVERYTHING!!!

You know I caught the tail end of Oprah today after I got home from work and they were talking about a Law of Attraction from the book "The Secret". One thing that made me sit up straight and listen was some advice that one of the panel members gave a member of the audience. She told him to take your goals, write them down, read over them daily (nothing intense just read over them), and after you do this look into the mirror and tell yourself that you love you! Now apparently this will help you to visualize and focus on what you want more clearly. She did mention not to go in expecting everything you have on that piece of paper to happen all at once but just to wait and see. Once one goal/dream/etc did happen, it would help you to see that power of positive thinking does work....or least that's what I got from it. lol I've heard good things about that book so I will be picking up a copy soon but in the meantime, I'm going to try this too!

Sorry I left such a long comment but I just had to share.

Ladynay said...

I believe in positive energy too.