Friday, January 27, 2017

Almost a year

Since I've blogged. Doing it now from my phone. So it should be short. In my last post last March I was ready for a new company to work for and I was 328 pounds. Well now I work for a much better company. Started back in August. It is stressful and challenging, but that is part of the job when it is done the right way. Sometimes I question if I'm making the right decisions for my patients. Sometimes I'm not so sure and it messes with me mentally and emotionally.

I weight 366 now. 38 more pounds than I was the last time I blogged. I can tell it and I can feel it. Today I sat down and the inner thigh portion of my scrub bottoms ripped open. Came back home to change. Guess I should be happy I work a lot closer to home than I used to. Got to stop stress consuming.

Today is a down day for me. Haven't had many of these lately so I was over due. Everyone else has there own shit to deal with so I thought I'd blog. That way I can get some of this out of my brain and I don't bother nobody with shit that's important to myself only.

I feel kinda lost. I feel kinda useless. I feel like I'm failing at being on top of my game. I feel ugly internally and externally. I look at myself in the mirror lately and it makes me sad. Part of it is hormones. Part of it is me being sad. Both of which will end soon. It is a cycle. My brain knows this. But I still stress eat and drink adult and non adult beverages...Which is not good for the liver. Shit, I treat people that have big problems because of drinking and eating too much. So I try not to consume as much on a regular basis.

It is Friday night. All my married co-workers and female friends are doing their thing. I am in my room, alone, blogging. Well at least I can be butt naked and don't have to consider anyone else in what I do tonight. Mom and the kids are squared away. I'm just lonely. I've asked a couple of people to take me out. Even new folks that I tried to meet online. Nobody who is sane wanted to take me anywhere. Guess I'm not good enough. I take myself out. I take my mother and kid out. I've taken members of the male species out. I just can't seem to get that in return. My mother says she doesn't want to drive my truck and Pooka does not have her permit yet, so whatever. I'm still in process of sucking it up and just accepting the fact that the shit ain't gonna happen. Ladynay, table of 1.

I kinda lost a friend this week. Even though there is nothing between this male friend and I on that level and we live multiple states away from one another, his new wife decided he and I could no longer be friends. I understand it, but I don't like it. I was no threat to her. She is beautiful, smart, domesticated, and fits my friend's bill. I will respect the wishes of his new wife. I wish them well and nothing but the best and mourn the loss of a friend. Again, I understand why we can't talk anymore, I just don't like it.

On a brighter note. Pooka is in the 10th grade now. She is really kicking ass this year and I could not be more proud. She struggled a bit in middle school and at the very beginning of high school. But something clicked on during freshman year and she has been an "A" student with the occasional "B". She got straight A's again this semester. She said she wants to go out of state to a beach. I would love to take her and my mother on a cruise, but my student loans are killing me and I made a goal to pay one of them off. They are not consolidated, so I can pay them off by I interest rate, high to low, that's the plan...but I digress. Pooka is a good kid and I have to count my blessings which definitely include her.


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