Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Where's a teddy bear when you need one

I could use a really use a big teddy bear type dude to hold me and let me cry for a good 5 minutes. But that won't be happening no time soon. I called Lookalike and he's up and went full time at his second job (great for him, bad for me). So I am just SOL :-(

For awhile now I have been in this blah mode and I try to make myself come up out of it but I keep falling back in. I don't know what it is.

Yesterday evening was horrible. I went to my friends house afterwork to see if she could do my hair sometime before my trip. She doesn't have a phone so I had no other choice but to drive over there. When I get there this dude Chitown answers the door. Chitown is a crackhead, on the real, I am not being funny. While I am asking him where my girl is 2 other heads (that's what they appeared to be) walks up in the house and then he tells me she is out with her peeps. I just told him to tell her I dropped by and I would be back Wednesday to get my hair done.

Number one I am mad that I wasted gas going up there.

Number two I am mad I left a message with a crackhead and really thought he would send the message (duh)

Number three I am mad because this same friend who does my hair is supposed to be one of the peeps to watch Pooka for me while I am in class. Now that is shot to hell cuz there is NO WAY IN HELL I will leave her there knowing what type of people run through there now a days. Granted, Pooka has seen Chitown before. But it's never been for long and I was always there. So now I have to pay out some more money to my highschool girl for adding more days. Darnit!

I have this wonderful ability to beat myself up, talk down to myself, and take one negative thing and run with it till I feel like crap. So while on the way home my thoughts patterns get more and more negative and lead me st8 to a real binge. I haven't really binged in a long time and after it was over I felt even worse and just cried myself to sleep. Just thinking about it now is making my eyes water. I let myself down when I was doing so well.

Where is a teddy bear when you need one?


BlueAngel said...


Sister, we all feel that way sometimes. Going to church usually helps me. I find that having faith in something else that exists to you takes your mind off of other things. Perhaps it's real, perhaps it's me fooling myself and not knowing it.

Pearlie said...


We have all been there. I think most women wish they had that big teddy bear that they could hug and just for a moment make the sadness go away. The thing is, whether it is a midnight binge or a hug, they aren't going to make things better at the end of the day. Only we can do that for ourselves.

Sadly that is always the hardest part.

The good part: sometimes, just knowing there are people who are going through the same emotions can make us feel a little better. I hope some part of this helps.

Better days *are* ahead.

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