Saturday, July 02, 2005

Who Am I?

Today while futher indulging in my ever growing blog hopping addiction I have come to notice that I can relate or understand to a lot of people of different lifestyles, religions, races, and so forth. Then it just triggered a train of thought that ended up with me coming to the conclusion that I don't know who I am....

I know that there are a lot of different aspects of me. Some parts of me contradicts other parts of me, I don't want to be a hypercrite but I don't know how to change it. Then again why have to change? See! Nothing with me is definite I always speak on both sides of the fence. I can always see where someone comes from, even if I don't agree with them. I don't know.

I wish I was like other bloggers who have been blessed with the gift to put their feelings and thoughts into words. They can take any topic and just go deep with it and say the most profound things. Every time I put something into words and jot it down I feel like it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. That may be true. No one has told me different yet.

I wish I was like a few of my real personal friends in one way of another. I have one friend that is the same, no matter what circle she is in...with family, with friends, in the club, in the park, wherever whenever. When I talk to her she is always the same. In some ways I wish I could be like that. I have another girlfriend who is like that but she has the "f#$k it" type attitude and nothing really phases her. At least on the first couple of layers of her being.

I wish I had the gift of verbal communication. I can't sing, I can't write poems or short stories, I can't give a speech, I can read, but when I try the spoken word it just doesn't sound right in my ears.

I find myself in the mist of having envy for people, some on people I have never met! I could have used the word admire to make it not seem so bad, but it's envy and envy gets you nowhere.

I wish that a lot of my personal friends where local. While having a conversation with Lookalike we got on the subject of my up coming birthday. He asked me if I was planning a party. When I told him I wasn't. He asked me if I had friends. I told him yes and that with the different types of people I have as friends, they really wouldn't mesh well in the same room. That is true, but the real reason I am not throwing a party is because all my real friends don't live in NC, they are scattered about darn near everywhere. The majority of the local ones that I thought where my friends got dismissed with my last long term relationship. So I feel alone a lot. Today while grocery shopping I thought to myself "I should throw a cookout" but my immediate self reply was a question "If you did, who would you invite....who would show up?" Of course this triggered negative thought and I just decided to leave it alone.

Anyways....all of this is to say....I want to share a lot of wonderful attributes that many different people have and be like them, yet I want to be me. But, how can I want to be me when I don't know who I am? What will the picture show when all these pieces of me are found and placed in their appropriate spot? *shrug*I hope this makes some kinda sense.

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