Sunday, September 03, 2006

Your never ready.....

This morning started like any other Sunday morning. I woke up cooked breakfast, checked email, blogged, and started downloading cartoons for Pooka. Nobody ever calls me early on Sunday. My downloading completes a few hours later (dialup) and before I shut the laptop down I checked my email again. I get a email text message from Aunt Diva in all caps telling me to call her ASAP!!!!!! I shut down the computer and pick up the phone, the phone gives me the signal that tells me I have messages.....10 messages!

My grandfather/father died.

When I heard the first message from my mom telling me that somethings up with granddaddy and they were on the way to Washington Adventist I knew what the next 9 messages were about...I still haven't listened to them. I just hung up and called the house. Aunt Diva picked up and confirmed what I knew. Early this morning my grandfather began to choke. My mom and grandma went to his room, sat him up and tried to help him catch his breath. My grandma performed CPR, he wasn't responding. 911 was called, the emergency crew came in and worked on him and got a faint pulse. They got him out the house and had to work on him again before putting him in the ambulance. When they got to the hospital he was gone. He had a heart attack and fluid in his lungs.

I don't know how I feel. The family has known this day was coming soon, but your never really ready when it happens. I feel like I have mourned him already which is why I can't cry. The man I seen my last few visits home was a shell of a man that I used to know. The man who raised me died a few years ago. I want to be sad because that is how I am supposed to feel. But I am happy for my grandmother and mother. Ever since he has giving up on life he has been taking my mom and grandma with him. My grandmother isn't a spring chicken herself so a few of the fam thought with dealing with him my grandmother just may go first due to stress alone! I am happy because he isn't suffering anymore. Once it sunk into my grandfather that he wasn't the man of the house no more, he sunk into a depression and wanted everyone to be depressed with him.

I feel bad for not feeling bad. Babydaddy told me that I shouldn't feel guilty for not immediately going through the motions. I called him because he is the only person out of my friends who has met my grandfather and interacted with him. When Babydaddy wanted to marry me he had to go through my granddad and my granddad started messing with his mind but he didn't know! It was too funny! Who is my next suiter going to have to ask now? My best friend knew him but her phone is off.

The funeral is forecasted to be in NC this Friday or Saturday. I am not going to drive up because my mom and them are coming down Wednesday.

Your just never ready nor know what to say for stuff like this...even when you know it's so close to happening your kinda waiting on it. Everytime my mom or someone calls me at some strange hour I think for a second "is this the call?"? The call finally comes and I am downloading cartoons...

18 comments:

TTD said...

sorry to hear about ur granddad.. i agree w/ babydaddy.. u shouldn't feel guilty.. everyone deals w/ pain in their own way on their own time...

blkbutterfly said...

oh, sweetheart, i'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. i know everyone else is going to say this, but in time you'll determine how to mourn his death.

Ladynay said...

TTD - Your right and I know it, its just that he is the first really close person to me who has passed and I read how it supposed to be hard for people to get over the loss of a loved one 'specially if they are close...I am just numb.

BB - Part of me feels like I have already mourned him. A couple years back when the doctors gave up and told my grandma to call the fam I darn near had an accident on 95 trying to get to the hospital. My cousin and I saw him laying there looking like death and we cried and prayed and cried some more. I was in denial that he was that sick for a long time. I cried alot during that time for him. It's like I am currently cried out.

deepnthought said...

My heart and prayers are really with you and your family. Every loss is different, and every one deals with grief differently. I agree, you should not feel guilty.

jameil1922 said...

you don't have to be sad. you've grieved already. its ok. my cousin wrote this great poem about alzheimer's when his mom died. he talked about how God took his mom away slowly so he'd have time to cope. i didn't say it as eloquently but all that matters is that he knew you loved him.

Ladynay said...

Deep - Thank you hun, and your right.

Jameil - being taken slow to allow others to cope. I can dig it....

Freaky Deaky said...

My condolences to you and your family on your grandpa's death. (((HUG))) You'll mourn on your own time so don't feel bad or allow anyone else to make you feel guilty.

E said...

Ladynay..I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. There's definitely no need to feel guilty, even though that is the natural tendency. Hopefully your grandmother and mother will be able to care for themselves now.

Before my "grandma" passed on, it was really hard on my mama because she became the one primarily taking care of her and it placed a burden on my Mom and it affected her health somewhat.

So I can somewhat relate to what you're feeling.

Ladynay said...

Freaky - thanks for the love sweetie and I won't. It that I am not feeling what I thought I was "supposed" to feel when a close loved one dies.

E - your up too! Now I don't feel alone. :-) Hopefully my grandmother will move down to NC with the rest of the family so we can all help and support her and my mom.

LUVIN ME said...

My condolences to you and your family...

Ladynay said...

Thanx luv...

Dre said...

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather, Babe. I know when my Daddy died last Nov, I felt all kinds of emotions too. It's not your fault. Grieve how you want to grieve.

Ladynay said...

Dre, thanks, that's what they keep telling me.

That Dude Right There said...

I'm sorry to hear this news. But I know exactly how you feel about feeling bad about not feeling bad.

Ladynay said...

TDRT - thanks and glad someone knows what I am talking about

4EverJennayNay said...

I know I'm late, but girl I'm sorry to hear that he went thru so much. On the other hand I can understand the relief you are feeling.

My granddaddy was my daddy too.

fuzzy said...

You never know what exactly to say either. I've been on both sides of the whole thing. Knowing somebody whom you have to console and being the one who needs that shoulder. Its not easy. If you need to ever talk I am here for you. Sorry I haven't read this post sooner. Chin up and look toward those hills from whence cometh your help.

Ladynay said...

No apologies needed, thank you for your offered support.